On the future

Yesterday a friend posted a horrifying graphic image of a Palestinian child the top of whose head had been blown off, presumably by an Israeli attack. Sickened by this image, I posted a link to a Haaretz editorial by Gideon Levy calling for peace where he referred to Hamas's demands as "reasonable." More or less predictably a heated comment exchange ensued, leaving me feeling rather sick. As is so often the case with me, what starts with a noble impulse devolved into a defense of ego. That is, at some point my initial compassion changed into a mere desire to be right. After I had made my post, I went for a bike ride, and it was a little surreal. Certain tedious lengths of road went by in a flash, as I was occupied with thinking about the Israel-Palestine issue, and in particular constructing responses in my head to what I imagined future commenters might say. In some ways, it was nice for a tedious hill to essentially disappear as I was absorbed in a mental fugue state, but on the other hand the obsessing was not exactly pleasant. If I feel like there is territory there for me to defend, I can't relax. Best to abandon the idea that there is a me whose territory needs to be defended. Further, being lost in (contentious) thought is contrary to my self-professed goal of staying in the present moment!

Anyway, as I was reflecting on that, it occurred to me that my own troubles with my father are a window into the current conflict in the Middle East. When I imagine reconciling with my dad, there is a part of me which clenches down tightly, and says NEVER! And when I imagine that this feeling is shared in some form by so many Israelis and Palestinians, the problem becomes overwhelming and insoluble. To outsiders, the solution seems easy to diagnose and obvious. Just fucking quit fighting each other already. Yet, making contact with that deep feeling of resentment borne of pain that I have toward my own father, I can empathize with those on both sides of the conflict who feel a similar feeling toward each other. Just as I know that the mideast conflict can and will be ended some day, I also know in my heart of hearts that my holding onto a resentment is a deep mistake, much as I hate to admit it.