So I was emotionally abused as a child. By a parent. This is not a fact I like to think about, but as I have been contemplating ans struggling over the past few days, it's emerged enough from the shadows that I realize that I need to deal with it openly. My brother and I lived with my dad when we were young. My mom was suffering from severe post-partum depression, and when my parents divorced, the judge awarded my dad custody. But the problem is that my dad is mentally ill. I don't know if has ever been officially diagnosed, but the symptoms that manifested themselves when we were kids fits paranoid schizophrenia. Add to this someone who is ultra-controlling and prone to random fits of rage, and my brother's and my childhood became confusing at best, painful and terrifying at worst. Normally I like to downplay the effect this has had on me, or try to romanticize it and ignore the negatives, but recently my dad has come back into my life, and it initiated a strange struggle within me. On the one hand, I want to be a pleasant person and I hate hurting the feelings of others. In particular, I find the notion of "dislike" or "hatred" to be such an anathema, that I tend to repress those feelings when they arise. But in this case the wound is very deep and I feel so uncomfortable and unpleasant when I am with my dad that I have taken to simply avoiding him for the sake of my own mental health. But then another part of me is ashamed that I am doing this, knowing that my ideal is to love everyone. How can it be right that my own father causes me such pain? But the current situation is untenable. It's one of the reasons my consciousness was tuning out. I couldn't accommodate the mental dissonance of on the one hand having the ideal of lovingkindness for all sentient beings, but on the other hand simply being unable to be in the same room with my dad. Last night as my meditation was drawing to a close, and thoughts of my relationship with my dad came up, I had the image of me as a black sphere stabbing outwards with a stubby sword in an attempt to injure the one who had hurt me. And looking at that image, I realized that there was a genuinely hurt individual within me that was deserving of my compassion and love. Whether or not I think that's the way it should be. That realization helped and I visualized holding that individual in my compassion and surrounding him with warmth and love. It called to mind teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh about holding your anger with love and care.
I realize that there may be a dangerous flip side to my admission. It seems like it would be easy to, once I acknowledge my pain and anger, to actually feed it and try to blame all of my problems on my dad. This is a route I don't want to follow. However, pretending something doesn't affect me when it affects me almost to the core of my being was not, shall we say, working out well.
4 comments:
"I had the image of me as a black sphere stabbing outwards with a stubby sword in an attempt to injure the one who had hurt me."
When I started meditating at the temple I now attend, I would sometimes get waves of tremors that would thrill through me. Have you ever put a big rubber band over your head and felt it vibrate wildly as it creeps up to the top of your head and pops off?
Like that, full body.
Spontaneously, I had images of tearing the place down, of roaring and bringing fire from the sky.
It was emotional and physical tension just coursing through me, a scream I'm ever-suppressing. I was actually feeling its full force, instead of ignoring, suppressing, and browbeating it like I normally do.
Meditative experiences come and go. I've been taught to let them go, not to get attached to them or expect them. I very rarely get any kind of spontaneous visual imagery. The image of me as a black sphere that I related here was pretty subtle. I wouldn't have noticed it if I weren't tuned in, so to speak. I have had many experiences both sitting on the cushion and walking around of energy movement in the body, maybe even similar to the rubber band sensation you are describing. I believe in the subtle body with the movements of wind in the channels because I've felt it! Maybe I'll say more on this later. Somehow this little comment box isn't conducive to expansive discourse.
Such honest feeling, expressed so well. Intention to love brings you good Karma, which is the feeling towards you father. Reality of self preservation is equally important. Be kind to to yourself.
Thank you for sharing your journey toward healing. I appreciate your frankness, honesty, courage; all necessary to see things as they are rather then as you wish them to be. And I like the straightforward clarity of your writing. In particular, "I couldn't accommodate the mental dissonance of on the one hand having the ideal of lovingkindness for all sentient beings, but on the other hand simply being unable to be in the same room with my dad." You eloquently express my own experiences. Seeing things as they are seems to be the only viable starting point for the possibility of change - ironic that change begins with accepting. Self-compassion has proven crucial in my own efforts which serves as evidence for he teachings. I wish you a healthy dose of self-compassion at all times.
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