Well, I feel like I'm making progress. I woke up this morning feeling pretty buoyant, after a night full of dreams (most of which I can't remember.) I have the sense that my mind is more awake, active and engaged. Dealing with my life head on as well as more meditation seems to be helping. I recently upgraded an app I have for my phone called Insight Timer to the full version (which cost 2.99, not a large expense.) It has a library of guided meditations and I have been using some of these. One issue that I have been having with my meditation and my chanting practice is a lack of presence. While meditating or chanting my mind tends to go and wander off almost unchecked and the practice seems to have devolved into a kind of empty form. These guided meditations have been great in that I have been able to concentrate and relax more deeply into the meditative state. My mind still wanders but because of the narration it doesn't get quite as far before my attention is returned to the meditation at hand. I also find that having it narrated helps to bring me out of my own self and point me in directions that I wouldn't otherwise have gone. So I credit a lot of my buoyancy to this new practice. In fact, I can probably look up the dates, but thinking back on it, I believe that my idea to renew this blog came after starting to meditate longer each day. Perhaps that gave me enough mental space for that idea to germinate.
I don't want to say that things are absolutely good for me. I think some people, myself included, tend to only show the world a carefully constructed image of themselves, and I don't want to fall into that trap. I want to share what's happening with me both positive and negative, and maybe even neutral. Obviously someone who is feeling down or depressed will not make a serious permanent rebound instantaneously. I feel like I am on the right track, but there are still aspects of my life, especially involving how I relate to those close to me, which are tough nuts to crack. I will continue to try to keep an awake mind, and remind myself throughout the day to engage openly and without reservation with the present moment, and see what happens from there.
1 comment:
"While meditating or chanting my mind tends to go and wander off almost unchecked and the practice seems to have devolved into a kind of empty form."
Oh man, I do some chanting, and this has been my experience to a tee.
I know getting to the temple for group meditation really refocuses me. Though, inexplicably, I have not been for like 2 months.
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