I thought I'd break up the 37 practices discussion with a description of a dream I recently had. I was in a grocery store and I could feel that alcoholic buzz, the physical blissed-out feeling that I would get for a few moments after taking a drink. I could feel this in my dream, although notably absent were feelings of hang-over, shame and bitterness that characterized my drinking career. Also absent was the realization of the transitory quality of this buzz, which would disappear no matter how many drinks I poured into myself. In any event, in my dream i put a six-pack of beer into my shopping cart. As I went to pay for it, I realized, "hey, I don't have to do this," and I took the six-pack and put it back in the refrigerator case.
I very rarely get the urge to drink anymore, so this dream came as a surprise. I know many people who have been sober many years who tell me that the temporary urges and the drinking dreams never completely disappear, and I've definitely heard people describe dreams where they actually take a drink. I'm certainly glad that my dream persona had a profound realization, and changed his mind.
This is a good reminder to me that there is a stupid part of myself that only remembers the fleeting moments of contentment and is taking it upon itself to constantly lobby for renewed drinking. I used to call this part of myself "a subprogram of my brain," but now for simplicity I just refer to it as my alcoholism. The fact that this is still part of me is a reminder that alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. This was a realization I had once and was tremendously helpful in maintaining my sobriety, and it is good not to lose that realization.
3 comments:
I think if even in your dream, you decided not to drink, it's a very good sign.
I have had drinking dreams until quite recently. Often close to an anniversary. They are normal, but remind you how cunning alcohol is, and to stay vigilant.
jb
Thanks for the support, you two. I do think it's a good sign that I chose not to drink, even in my dream. I view it as my alcholism testing the waters to see whether it should push harder. I believe it's found that it would be fruitless at this point.
Whereas before I often found myself doing self-destructive things out of inertia, I've found at this point in my life the inertia is to do positive things. For example, I felt like I needed to go to my Buddhism practice this morning, even though a part of myself tried to argue me out of it. This is probably what they call "God doing for me what I could not do for myself," even though I might reconceptualize it into a Buddhist context.
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