An evolving relationship with the guru

When I started this blog back up a few weeks ago, it was clear to me that I had a block and I needed to deal with it. I didn't expect to be revisiting my childhood and my dad's mental illness, but I think it was beneficial on the whole. I'm not sure that was my block though. Indeed, I doubt that it is so simple. Really, I just need to hit the mat and keep meditating and practicing. I don't want this blog to become just about my dad's schizophrenia. I'd rather keep talking about my practice and development.

I just returned from a weekend program with my root teacher Lama Norlha Rinpoche. My relationship with my guru is evolving. Before I first met him, when I heard a lama was coming to town, I was kind of grumpy after having already spent a lot of time with a couple previous teachers who had visited. I felt like I needed a rest. As I was walking to a talk he was giving on the U.T. campus, I caught myself being negative, and I recalled Pema Chödron's advice in such circumstances. Wish the person to have happiness and the causes of happiness, and for them to be free of suffering and its causes. So I said a little prayer to that effect and I immediately, and completely unexpectedly, had a very powerful physical and mental experience. I heard the words from the Red Tara sadhana "Returned as wisdom blessings, the light is reabsorbed," ring like a bell in my mind. There was an intense euphoria localized in my torso which then rose and shot out the top of my head. All my negativity was immediately released. Later I asked Lama about this, and he said it was a sign that we knew each other in a previous life. What is very interesting is that I had no idea about the subtle energy body at this point, nor had I heard that experiences like "all the hair on your body standing on end" are relatively common when a person meets their root teacher. I overheard another student of Lama's independently describe a similar experience. I've come to associate Lama with these intense experiences of energy movement in the body, but I sense that that's not what I need now. Indeed, this is a rather superficial effect, even if it lies totally beyond conventional reality. It's not like feeling a short burst of energy can compare to the slow methodical work of sitting on the cushion. I mention this because, although I did feel a subtle energy briefly playing across my scalp after the empowerment this weekend, on the whole I didn't have that kind of experience, and I realize that I was disappointed as a result. In all the advice I've heard and texts that I've read, it always says don't attach to experiences like this. They will never repeat. They are a sign that you are heading in the right direction but they are not the end in itself. In many ways, these signs and experiences are irrelevant to the goal of freedom of mind. I've also read about how one's relationship with one's teacher evolves and changes over time, and moreover the teacher is constantly upending your expectations, not letting you get comfortable on whatever plateau you're stuck on. So all in all, it seems that things are progressing as they should.