Another post without a catchy title

I've decided to take a break from the Gospel of Tom. Part of my motivation for studying it was an outreach effort to "anonymous," but analyzing my motivations further, I see there was an agressive component. I pretty much knew anonymous wouldn't like it. I still think it's a fascinating gospel, giving us a view into early Christianity that we wouldn't otherwise have had.

In other news, I've been feeling down for the past couple of weeks, and I don't really know the source of this feeling, although I have suspicions. What I have noticed is that my overall mood colors my perception of the world around me, and this is a basic reason that our perception of the world is not objective. Situations that before brought me joy, such as meeting with some friends, have started bringing me anxiety and an uneasy feeling of insecurity. Remarks which I formerly would have brushed off as either neutral, or a product of another person's suffering, have begun to irritate me. Whereas meditating usually brings me a sense of calm spirituality and peace, lately it has been a stark reminder that there is something wrong. Unfortunately, I cannot definitively say what it is.

I have read that meditation is not supposed to always be calming, and that it often serves to show us the state of our own mind, no matter what that state is. I also know that our emotions are things we need to treat with respect, letting them be, not ignoring them, nor feeding them. For example, it occurred to me to write a letter full of anger and bile at someone who irritated me, and then burn it. I at first thought maybe this was a way to get the hurt out, but I didn't do it because I felt it would probably water the seed of anger within me rather than the reverse.

I've read (I think Pema Chödron) that it's good to accept that things don't have a solid base. It's good to be relaxed in the middle of uncertainty. In my case, I don't really know what's going on with my current sadness, but I also don't need to know. Perhaps it will become apparent, and perhaps it won't. I don't have to come up with a plan of action to "beat it" (what harsh words); I can gently be aware of its presence. Perhaps acknowledging its existence with eyes wide open will help. At least I won't then have secondary issues arising from repression and desperate tactics that seek to get rid of the sadness, while also not fully acknowledging its existence.